The Fiercest Fighters in the Universe

by Charles P. Newton

These could defeat many an array

     Beefheart had assembled an army of highly intelligent soldiers who had received their BFB degrees from highly prestigious colleges on Mars. These people had studied under the tutelage of Minesugar Frozenfood and had passed their finals in math and science with flying colors. They were robots, but robots with superior skills, and had been equipped with the necessary hormones to make them brave and fearless soldiers.

     They assembled in the hills outside Shylock and prepared to meet the army of Blackheart, a notorious and cruel schlockmeister. His robots were not equipped with human brains but with dinosaur brains, which are reputed to be the bravest and wisest brains in the universe. These dinosaur robots were not only able to fight bravely in battle but were trained in the practical arts as well. One of the first tasks Blackheart had assigned his dinosaur men was to  take apart the spaceship they had arrived on Shylock with and to reassemble it. This they did with considerable acumen.

     Blackheart saw Beefheart’s army advancing toward his and sent Rana, Beefheart’s girlfriend, out to charm Beefheart into a truce so as to provide him time to organize his army for combat. She sashayed out to meet the army, who sighed with envy at the sight of their commander having such a beautiful maiden talking to him. Beefheart’s brave heart skipped a beat as she took him into her arms for a long endearing kiss. He called his troops to order and then turned to converse with Rana. She told him it was foolhardy to try to attack Blackheart’s forces because they were controlled by a computer which Blackheart always carried with him. She quoted some famous poet that had said “The tigers of wrath are fiercer than the horses of destruction.” Beefheart didn’t understand what she meant so she explained it to him.

     “Beefheart, you know that Blackheart has dinosaur men to fight his battles. These are the fiercest animals in history and it would be foolish to fight them.  They would demolish your forces.”

     “But my men have high IQs and all have graduated from college with degrees in math and science.”

     “You don’t understand. I like you too much to see you lose a battle. Blackheart is a brave man and he has trained his dinosaurs in battle. They are highly intelligent too, and besides, Blackheart is your friend. He got you out of prison here on Shylock when nobody else would.”

     Beefheart acceded to her wishes and Blackheart and Beefheart were reunited in friendship in a tent close by. His forces were joined by the dinosaur men and were fed a good meal of roast beef sandwiches which Blackheart’s chef had prepared especially for them, anticipating the possibility of such an occasion. They fell on the food with great gusto.

     The next morning the two armies were called to form ranks and their two generals led them on a march to the city of Shylock. They were armed to the teeth and ready for battle. They carried pikes and laser guns. At the gates of the city they met another army, that of General Lentini, who led an army of giant dogs standing on their hind legs. Lentini had an extra leg sticking out his back. He was a Magus and had been teaching his men the science of hoodoo, black magic and other arts of the magician. These soldiers were versed in these sciences and cast a mesmeric spell around the enemy armies which hypnotized them into submissive and abject objects of nature. Nature is a hard master but was no match for these fierce magic dogs. They used voodoo to subjugate the most intelligent of all. Their leader Lentini, the three-legged man, came forth to meet the two B-hearts. He was a sly, soft-spoken, short fellow who claimed to have fought under the great Polish general Varabaldi.  He had studied magic at a most prestigious university in Europe and promised them all jobs on the stock exchange in Shylock.

     Beefheart’s men were all in favor of such a plan and readily united forces with Lentini. Blackheart and his dinosaur men were not so credulous as Beefheart and his men. The whole idea of brokers did not appeal to them in the least. They suddenly attacked both armies and after a long and bloody fight succeeded in routing them both. Lentini was captured and sentenced to hanging. He appeared in chains before Blackheart. He was a great boasting fellow who once commanded an army of dragons. He told Blackheart of his victories in the Forest of Arden. He told them that Shylock was defended by a Bible hero called Rapper, who wore fancy shirts and sang rap music.

     Blackheart spared his life on the proposition that he would hypnotize the dragons with his magic.

     They entered Shylock under cover of darkness and engaged the dragons in battle. The dragons were fierce fighters and sent out waves of fire before them. It was a bloody battle which decimated both sides. The battle came to a sudden standstill when the Rapper came forth singing rap music at the top of his voice. He was wearing a magnificent tattersall shirt with white tall-neck shirt underneath. He was strumming on a banjo which he called a new form of rock very much like bluegrass. It was hard to understand the words as his whole army were strumming guitars and banjos. In the confusion that followed this battle, the wounded were carried off the field and peace was restored.

     As usual Blackheart was offered the keys of the city. The dinosaur men were assigned jobs as teachers in military science at the university. Beefheart’s men got jobs as brokers on the Shylock stock exchange and the dragons were assigned to Blackheart’s army to guard the city. The two and Lentini were assigned to guard the city as another army had been sighted approaching Shylock. They gathered forces to meet an army of tiger men who were reputed to be the fiercest fighters in the universe.

     The joint forces were “forces of instruction”.