THE CHATROOM CAPER

by Rose Gordy

 


 
You never know what you’ll find on the net

     When Lbzqt signed onto the LET’S DO IT singles chatroom on her hologram wrist computer, she knew intuitively that she was in for the Adventure of Her Life. She had just received a prestigious grant from the International Center of Alien Lifestyles Studies, otherwise known by the acronym ICALS, to research the habits of both humans and aliens who used chat rooms to find their mates. Her main task was to ferret out the immoral aliens who tried to infiltrate the site to kidnap unwitting humans they connected with by urging them to meet in person so they could do with them whatever they wanted. Lbzqt’s work involved locating these aliens on line and using them to her advantage in her research.

     After many days of going on the site as Wanna Be and reading innocuous flirting chatter, her eye caught the odd Chat Room name of one of the suspected aliens. Venus Fly Trap wrote he was a confirmed bachelor in his 40s generally not at all familiar with online computer hookups but “more than willing to learn if some attractive and sexy chat room person of the female persuasion would help him.” Lbzqt was about to ignore his ingratiating entreaties until her fine-tuned intuition told her to pay special attention to this message. Obviously, this human or other-world being specifically selected this name out of all the possible ones he could have chosen.  It suggested catching and killing prey he picked up on the site. She didn’t like it at all. Could he be an alien up to no good trying desperately to trick humans into meeting him? She resolved to find out.

     What she didn’t know was that Venus Fly Trap, aka  Dr. Lance Arnold, was actually just a regular human guy pretending for fun to be an alien trying to learn earthly ways of connecting with those “of the female persuasion”. He intended his screen name to be an ironic giveaway to anyone who fell for it.

     Over several days and numerous entries, he found Lbzqt’s comments enticing, having no idea whatsoever that she was really the alien of the two of them. Unwittingly, after a week of talking back and forth on screen, he realized he was crazily falling for her so he went out on a limb precariously and on November 19, 2089 he wrote her the following message: “So, ‘Wanna Be’, it seems like we’re really hitting it off. Isn’t it time for us to meet in person?”

     “Sure, I guess that’s a possibility,” Lbzqt  responded, trying to remain cool and calm. She felt so close to catching him in her net that she felt giddy with the power of it all.

     “Your place or mine?

     *Laugh*.

     *Laugh*.

     “An old joke.”

     When she answered “Well, I don’t know. What planet do you live on?” she was completely taken off guard by the message “Venus Fly Trap” sent in response.

     “What are you asking me, ‘Wanna Be’? What planet do I live on? That’s really one hell of a joke if  I ever heard one!”

     “Now just a minute, ‘Venus Fly Trap’ or whoever you really are, I’m sick and tired of your putting me off after all these days! Tell me once and for all, are we going to meet at your planet or  mine?”

     “Surely you jest. Your planet or mine? Don’t we both live on the same one?”

     “Fine. If that’s how you’re going to play it, I’m out of here. Signing off.”

     Since she’d become convinced now that “Venus Fly Trap” was an alien, she became totally disenchanted with him when he refused to take her to his planet. As a result, she stopped all contact with him, refusing to answer any of his many heartrending pleas, emailed to her every day for the next three weeks.

     Another thing she didn’t know was that “Venus Fly Trap” was actually a topnotch scientist from New Los Alamos City. He was conducting sophisticated nuclear telescope repair from the spaceship of a alien associate from the outer edge of the Milky Way. He only connected with Wanna Be online during breaks from his work because he enjoyed communicating with someone from Earth, so far away. He hoped when he finally returned home, he’d meet Wanna Be and maybe even get lucky with her.

     On February 14th of the next year, significantly Valentine’s Day, Venus Fly Trap sent Lbzqt what she called his “Last Humble Message of Love”. It said, “Come on, Wanna Be, please answer my messages. I really care about you and think I’m actually falling in love with you. We have to meet. Please tell me where and when. I want you to be mine forever.”

     She laughed but gave in and answered with “All right, then, here’s my address.”

     It only took Venus Fly Trap four days to get back to Earth to get to her place, believing, of course, that she was human like him. Following her detailed set of directions, how overwhelmed he was at the sight of her acre-long spaceship waiting for him out in the middle of the “Wild Blue Yonder” of Montana!

     “Surely, this is a freaking mistake!” he yelled out loud.

     Overcome with awe, he stood staring at the sleek five-layered, silver-winged vessel. Then in a flash of bright green light, “Wanna Be” appeared beside him. Her elongated head with multiple sea-blue eyes flowing across her forehead was enough to tell him without a doubt that she was an alien. Before his mind fully registered that stark reality, he felt his body being lifted onto her ship. There was no way he could have kept it on the ground, though he tried with all his six foot four strength.

     It was many hours later that “Wanna Be” finally told “Venus Fly Trap” about her newly-appointed mission to kidnap him to her planet Svprx, where he would serve as a Human Sperm Giver to start a new race of humleins. When he got over the shock of this announcement, he laughed in spite of himself at the irony of how this chat room name had reversed itself on him.

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